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Tis the season…to get fat.

November 16, 2010

Firstly, I’d like to give a big “woo woo” to my friend David who has stopped eating meat.  That’s a big deal because it seriously limits him at buffets now.  If you know David, the words limit and buffet have no business belonging together.   That tape worm is going to get feisty when it realizes it too has stopped eating meat. HA!   So, this recipe goes out to you pal.  It contains sauces and random things and it’s layered with decadence.  I hope you try it.

 

 

Southwest Flat bread Pizza

 


So, this post is going to cover some crucial vegan must-haves.   The first one is Daiya Cheese.

I have tried some really gross vegan stuff in my day, to the point when I’m about to try something new I’m not sure if I should gag right then or save it till I actually have the weird tastes mingling with my taste buds.  I can promise you that if you like cheese, you’ll like daiya.  It’s just good. It melts, it stays a nice texture after being heated, and most importantly it tastes awesome.

Next up we have Fakin’ Bacon… Roll that beautiful bean footage.  (or in this case, tempeh footage)

I first tried this tempeh bacon on a BLT.  I was unsure of the smell at first as it was cooking (honestly I thought it smelled really fucking strange and not in a good way) but when I tried it I really liked it.  Now I love the smell of it cooking and it’s great on all kinds of things, or even as a classic side to your Sunday morning short stack.

What’s living if you don’t have a great fake chicken in your life?

I’ve tried and loved many different kinds of mock chicken, but this one takes the cake.   It just tastes so, I don’t know, chicken-y.  I love how they put “Kids love me” on the package.  I think next to it they should add “…And so do grown ass adults!”  cause da-yum.  They know what they’re doing.

What you’ll need for a single pizza:

-vegan ranch dressing (I’m preparing my own, recipe to follow)

-3 crispy tenders

-piece of fakin’ bacon

-mixture of the daiya mozzarella and cheddar

-flat bread

-sliced red onions

First you preheat the oven to 450. Microwave the chicken for about 45 seconds, and then put it in the preheated oven for 10 minutes.  I like to put just a little oil on the pan so that the chicken fries a little bit.  It’s better than doing it in a pan because you can convince yourself it’s baked since it came from the oven. Ignore the fact that you have it sitting in oil.   Put your flat bread in the oven with the chicken to get a nice toast on it before layering it up.

While the stuff is doing its shit in the oven, cut up the slice of bacon into bite size pieces. Saute it over medium heat until it looks kinda crunchy.  nom nom.

After the stuff is done in the oven, take it out ya bimbo.

Put a layer of ranch dressing on the flat bread, it’s going to be the pizza sauce.  Cut up the chicken into small pieces and spread it around the bread.  Put a few slices of red onions on that.  drizzle a little more ranch on the top of that pile.  put about half the bacon on top of that, Then, sprinkle with the desired about of cheese.  Put the rest of the bacon on the very top.  Pop it back in the oven until the cheese is melted!

Blurry picture of deliciousness below

Vegan Ranch Dressing

1 cup vegan mayo

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon onion powder

2 teaspoons parsley (i used dried, you can use fresh chopped if you’re feeling especially classy)

1/4 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper (you have to use fresh cracked pepper.  it’s just better)

1/2 cup unsweetened soy milk

Dump everything together and whisk the hell out of it.  If you have extra time put it in the fridge and it will thicken some.  Toot toot.

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accidentally vegan

August 5, 2010

I love Whole Foods.  I’m just going to put that out there.  I’ll tell you why I love it, and that’s because I’m lazy as fuck.   Whole Foods makes it easy to find any vegan items you might want and they’re clearly labeled and they’re everywhere and it’s just great.  However, the look on my dad’s face when mentioning a natural food store can only lead me to believe not everyone likes it as much as I do.  Or they’re just stubborn and wont even walk in because they’re afraid they’ll get healthy by mistake or something.  (yeah dad, I know about you)

Anyway, so if I go to a regular grocery store and I’m not in the tiny little natural foods section (thanks kroger! you got my back i got yours!)  you’re faced with unlimited possibility for what you could eat.   But a lot of it  you can’t, and the thing that sucks about it is it’s really just odd.  For example-  I saw a commercial for Bush’s black bean fiesta grillin’ beans, and man oh man did I want in on that action.  Turns out there was ham or lard or something like that, I can’t remember now.  The most common thing that sneaks its bad self in is whey.  lil mo fo.   Anyway, you’ll look at things that you think surely have milk in them and then they don’t, the best find I think ever was sam’s choice chocolate chips. Until I found those I’d have to buy the expensive specially marked package of vegan chocolate chips for like three times the price.   So I present to you,  accidentally vegan!  I’ll post once a week or something like that my favorite things that aren’t marketed towards vegans and are probably diary free for any attempt to save money and sell the stuff for as cheap as possible.   I wonder who is in charge there in these companies though, because wouldnt you be excited if you owned a business that sold a pack of cookies for a dollar and you found out that by not changing a damn thing in the process of making the cookie, but writing on the package “Vegan, Diary Free, Lactose Free!”  you could sell it for like 4 bucks.  The same product.  Oh who knows, I just think that’s crazy.

My first post has got to be Skittles.  This one might seem like “duh” to a lot of people, but what you don’t know is that for years us vegans and vegetarians have been craving the rainbow because Skittles, up until really recently, contained gelatin.  That’s what I like to call bone juice.  Ew.  It’s actually extracted from not juice boiling the bones of an animal, but also by boiling the organs and tissues too.  It’s just weird.  So yay Skittles!

Oh and just FYI if you want a fun surprise google image search skittles with your safe search off and yourself not at work.

BBQ hellll yeah!

July 27, 2010

Once upon a time in walmart land (gasp! I know. give me a friggin break) I stumbled upon garden burger brand riblets.  I promptly took them home and made a bbq sandwich.  It ruled.  Then, the next time I was craving bbq I returned back to the hell hole in which I first purchased these bad boys (what can I say, you do crazy things for love) only to discover that they weren’t in stock.  After a few months and some desperate searching via the internets, I realize they were discontinued.  I felt sad and wondered why that was happening to me, what had gone wrong in our short relationship, I felt like everything had been great and just didn’t understand.  I knew that if I’d had a chance to say goodbye I probably would have gotten the “It’s not you, it’s me” line, and I tried to let that comfort me to some extent.  It wasn’t working.  Every time I passed the frozen  meat alternative section, I’d stare into that cold glass window longingly. Occasionally I’d buy a veggie burger instead, but that always left me feeling unsatisfied and a little pathetic, after all, I knew what I really wanted.  After all this time of wishing I could taste it once more, it really gave me a lot of time to fantasize about what I would do if for some reason I had another one of those chance encounters.  I had the plan in my head and all I needed was the return of  the riblet.

Then one day, I’m casually walking through the frozen delicacies that is mock meat, and there it was.  No, not the garden burger brand I once knew and loved for that short love affair, but a new riblet.  “Could this be vegan?!”   I thought as I did the swift flip of the box to those oh-so-telling nutrition facts. The hopefulness you feel when it could go either way. Flashes of yourself devouring what lies underneath that cardboard paper. Taking it to the register, purchasing it while trying to act casual so the cashier doesn’t realize what this means to  you.  Taking it home and heating it up and then shoveling it into your mouth and loving every second of it.  Unless it says contains diary.  Then you dreams are crushed.  You put it back on the shelf  and try to convince yourself that you wouldn’t have liked it anyway.  So there I am.  Faced with this box and I flip it over as quickly as my hands will move.  And there it was.   The little black letters that don’t mean much all thrown up in the alphabet, but together they are magic.  v-e-g-a-n .   The heart does heal and you will love again, and a child is born. and you will name that child bbq sandwich.

BBQ sandwiches accompanied by coleslaw and fruit salad, in the style of delicious.

You’ll need the ingredients pictured below.

The process couldn’t be easier.  You’ll take the ribs out of the plastic and set them on a cutting board.  Take the bbq sauce left in the package  and put it into a small sauce pan.  Cut the ribs into thin strips.  You really can’t fuck this up so don’t worry about it.  Put the rib slices in the sauce pan, you’ll notice it’s not really enough sauce for hearty bbq.  That’s when the extra sauce comes in.  I use Stubbs spicy because I think it really gives it that bbq restaurant taste that something like kraft can’t give.   Sure you’ll end up spending about 3.50 for a bottle of sauce, but it really makes all the difference in the world.  They have several flavors if you don’t like spicy, but you can use whatever brand or flavor you like.  So just add enough sauce to the pan that you can let it simmer and the sauce isn’t too thick.  I use about a cup.   So that’s your bbq. So easy, and so delicious.  Put the heat on about medium or medium low.  You’re not cooking anything, per se, you’re just heating it.  If you leave it on a low simmer it will surely fill your house with a wonderful smell and your loved ones are sure to bow down and worship you.  Well, they will once they taste the sandwich.

So next you’re onto the coleslaw.  I think that the Follow Your Heart brand veganaise is perfect.  I like the name because there are times I haven’t followed my heart and it led me to some fucking weirdo tastin’ mayos.   So anyway, just get a package of plain coleslaw mix.  There are so many different kinds, just choose the one that feels right.   The recipe I’ve made is for a sweeter coleslaw. I’m from the south so I grew up eating that, of course I’d want to replicate it.    The base of the slaw is about three tablespoons veganaise, three tablespoons sugar, and three tablespoons apple cider vinegar.  Those three ingredients are just equal parts, so you can make whatever amount you want using that.  To that ratio, I added in about a teaspoon or so of celery powder.  Don’t do celery salt because it will cause the cabbage to wilt and it’ll just be  a soggy mess.  So you mix up the base and add in some cracked pepper if you like that.  I do.  Then toss with about two cups of coleslaw mix and badda bing!

I think fruit salad really makes this plate taste a lot less heavy and lets face it.  Fruit is natures candy and it really rules.

Yes, this looks to be fruit salad.

By this time you won’t be able to wait much longer for the bbq, it’ll be smellin sooo good.  So use whatever bread you like, I think white bread is just a wonderful thing to put with the sandwiches because that’s what I always at with it growing up.  That might not be your taste though, and if not then don’t  use white bread ya turkey!  So just put your bread down, scoop the desired amount of bbq onto your bread, top with the coleslaw and serve with a side of chips and fruit salad.  It rules! If you’re feeling really fancy you can serve with baked beans and potato salad but that’s another post all together.   Your finished result should look a little something like this-

“Well wtf do you eat!?”

July 21, 2010

Growing up in the south you don’t really see as much diversity in diets as you would in other parts of the country. Around these parts, the weirdest thing to people is what will you or won’t you put ketchup on. While a couple restaurants do understand the term “vegan” most will say things like “Oh yeah, it doesn’t have cheese in it except for the layer on top, but you can peel that off” or one of my favorite “It’s vegetarian if you eat the beef broth”. While most of the time explaining being a vegan feels like a lost cause, occasionally I will tell a coworker or distant relative at a family reunion that I’m vegan, and the reaction is almost always the same. The look of utter disbelief and shock on their face, the almost defensive responses start to swirl, and what usually comes out first… “Well what do you eat??” Almost as though they’re surprised I’m alive at this very moment. Like everything they’ve ever known about living feels strange. Like I’ve just told them, and successfully proved, that 1+1=3.

The truth is that I eat more delicious and better tasting food now that I’m vegan than I ever did when I was a carnivore. And the notion that being vegan isn’t healthy, well I’ll let you decide on that one.

The fellas over at the Harvard School of Public Health have published a “Healthy Eating Guide” which is a lot different than the good ole food pyramid the USDA has taught us to know and love. Why is it different? Harvard says that it’s based on out of date information and influenced by people with business interests. So without further ado…

And just for fun, here is the Okinawa diet food pyramid.  It’s interesting because these people have the longest life spans of anyone.  What about the U.S. you ask?  Well, we’re in the top 35.  We’re 35th. Go USA!